Brentwood this past Sunday was incredible. I've already learned more these past three days than I have all year. More about guitar, about music, about leading. What's transpiring in my life these days is everything I've dreamt of for over a year now. I'm learning. I'm growing. As a musician and as a worship leader. It's the whole reason I came here.
I don't know if I've ever really said this on my blog, but the last thing I want to be is a worship leader. That probably makes no sense to you, I know - but it has nothing to do with what I want to do and it has everything to do with what God is calling me to do. I don't want to lead worship because for one, I honestly hate being infront of people and for two, I don't even think for a second that I'm good enough to do it. I would much, much, much rather be on the sidelines or somewhere in the background. I seriously have anxiety about leading and when God called me here, I honestly kicked and screamed the entire way to the Center for Worship. But I knew it's what God wanted me to do and even though my flesh was totally dead set against it, the Him in me is much, much greater. I've found myself saying over and over again, "Your will, Lord - not mine."
Even though ultimately the Spirit has gotten His way with me, my flesh has struggled and fought it's way through a solo in choir, worship in my worship 101 class, a worship recital and a classical jury, and this week at Brentwood and at a kids camp called Masters Inn. I was asked to play acoustic guitar at both Brentwood Church and at Masters Inn this week - playing songs I've never played before and songs I've never even heard before. At the camp, I've had to literally learn songs right before we go on, because we have no idea what the set list is going to be until we all show up. I've more than doubled my song catalog in a mere three days, and I've done more transposing on my guitar than I ever even knew was possible for me to do. I didn't even know I COULD transpose on guitar. Chop it up to good 'ole harmonic practices and theory (which, by the way - I got a 100% on my final exam)! I'm still not that quick at Nashville Numbers and transposing, but the awesome thing is that, I can do it. It's amazing when what you've been studying in school finally comes to life and enables you to actually keep up with the big dogs. I still feel totally inadequate, but I can at least hang in there.
As uncomfortable as it all may be, I'm so very thankful for the challenge and for the push God has given me. It's so encouraging when you're given a chance and an opportunity to grow and there are people who believe in you and push you as well.
Even after forgetting to put my capo on during the first song, then putting it on the wrong fret on the next song and then saying the longest, most ridiculous, most drawn-out, flustered and scatteredbrained prayer in the history of all prayers (it was HILARIOUSLY awful - seriously), I'm at peace knowing that's it's not about me. I'm at peace knowing that I'm being refined, not only as a person - but as a musican and as a leader. I'd go through that mortifying experience again, because I learned more in that moment than I ever have by being on the sidelines. I'm experiencing growing pains as a worship leader and musican, and no, it's not all that fun - but this entire blog was built around the fact that if Christ is in me and I'm in Him, failure is never fatal. Courage is the only thing.
There is really no excuse for not stepping out when Christ calls us to go. We've gotta go after what He's called us to do, even when it's beyond us, because that's precisely when He's going to show the world that it's not beyond Him.
I'm soooo looking forward to what God is going to teach me this summer and for the rest of my time here in sweet, little, Lynchburg. It's my prayer that He truly, truly shines through it all - through my brighter moments and my darker moments. It's my prayer that I keep going, knowing full well that "Even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You." (Psalm 139:12)
Failure is never fatal. Courage is the only thing.