That's all I can come up with to describe the way I feel right now. I feel like I've been hit by a bus, for a lack of better cliches.
The Liberty bookstore is completely empty and I'm having a really hard time not listening to the baristas' conversation about God, the gospel, women and marriage. It's so hard to mind your own business, especially when the topics of God, the gospel, and marriage are involved. My heart beats harder every time I hear His name mentioned. One would think that overhearing a conversation about my sweet Jesus at Liberty University would be commonplace, but not so much, at least, not THIS kind of conversation. We're so used to hearing about Him in the classroom and at convocation and at prayer groups - sure, but to hear a sincere, Spirit-led conversation, with no agenda and no test afterward is simply refreshing. It's as if I just heard His name spoken for the first time.
I've been living in Forest for the past week with my brother and sister-in-law at their new house and have felt completely detached from campus, which is probably why I find myself at the bookstore now. Well, that and because I haven't had internet for the past week. Even though I'm still taking classes, it is sadly evident as I sit here that "college life" has taken a vacation. Campus is eerie, creepy, and this is one ghost-town of a bookstore. It's definitely not the same - depressing if anything. At least Campus Praise Band is playing over the speakers and I have an outlet for my computer. That'll keep the merry-men going for a while at least.
I'm approaching the final stretch of my music theory class and I'm proud to say that I've gotten really great grades thus far. The only thing left is the final tomorrow and then our three music projects that are due on Thursday. Then it's time to rear up for American Literature and Theology 202 (which I may or may not drop, I haven't decided yet...). I'm taking voice lessons as well, which aren't as scary seeming that there isn't a jury to sing in front of - a huge plus to everyone being gone.
I haven't found a job yet. Turns out the pickin's are pretty slim. I really wish I had one, because I would love to go shopping for some summer clothes, but alas - paying for a place to live and for food to eat is way more important. This week has been the most stressful week as far as not having any money goes. I came close to dropping the rest of my summer classes and heading back home, but Mom and Dad have stepped in huge and helped me out with rent and food money this month. I have never felt so helpless or inadequate before in my life. I've always been able to take care of and provide for myself, but God has been putting me in situations to rely on His help through my parents and through my brother and sister-in-law. If it weren't for them, I'd be kickin' it Beau Micah style and hammock-ing it the rest of the summer.
I don't think I'd fare as well as Beau Micah did.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
I've been resting in Matthew 6, allowing myself to believe His words and His truths about His love and provision - afterall, I have nothing left to lose. I've laid down my requests and have waited in expectation for that loan money to come through...except is still hasn't come through. Every time I check my LibertyOne account, I expect to see at least four digits and some cents, but so far it's come up the same: $4.36.
If He's not going to allow that money to come through, He's still going to get me through - we'll just have to take it one day at a time. He's faithful to the end, even when we may not be able see it. He is.
With some money in my checking account thanks to my dad, I prepared to move into my apartment yesterday and to cut a check for $600. I got my keys, opened the door, and let me just say that it was looking pretty rough. REALLY rough. It hadn't be touched at all. So I went back and told Ms. Heather and she scheduled to have it cleaned and ready to move-in by Monday and gave me the month of June for FREE and $200 off of July's rent.
When I could have given up and moved back home, He gave me the faith to hold on. We simply have to receive His help - in whatever manner it may come. He has given us everything we need to glorify Him, and He will continue to give us all we need in order to fulfill what He has called us to do. The LORD is faithful to the very end.
I'm staying in Lynchburg, baby! :)
"Blessed are those who receive help from the God of Jacob. Their hope rests on the LORD their God, who made heaven, earth, the sea, and everything in them. The LORD remains faithful forever."
Glory to God, forever.